#5) Walk In Blind

Don’t bother researching the firm at all. Stroll in with the confidence that companies are basically the same and your solution pertains to all. Nuances? They don’t exist. And who cares if they call their people “associates” or “employees” or whatever. You’ve never read a quarterly financial report and feel the Hoovers feature of Salesforce.com is for entry level wonks. Google searching the attendees or viewing LinkedIn profiles screams of, “I want to be your friend” and you’re not interested in a long term commitment. Plus, the sales engineers and demo people are really quick on their toes and they know how to make you look good. Time to relax and order an in-room movie.

#4) Cut And Paste

So you made it to the RFP/proposal phase. Thank goodness that marketing and product management assembled a massive database of questions and answers that you can simply cut and paste into your response. Better yet, get that young sales support person who didn’t have the benefit of attending the discovery sessions to do the work for you. Customization? That’s what the search/replace feature of MS Word is for and [Client name] seems easy enough to locate. And be sure to wait until the 11th hour to get everything together to eliminate any time for quality assurance, grammar checking, removal of internal questions in the document (“Can we actually do this??“), locate other client names or ensure a comprehensive response to the questions. You met the deadline and said “Yes” so what else can they expect?

#3) Feature Dump

It doesn’t matter what the client thinks they want. You have fifty features in your latest release and they need to understand every one of them. In fact, there is a 125 slide PowerPoint presentation that explains each of the new wizbang doohickeys in intimate detail, so you should spend two to three hours reading every line on every slide. If the client isn’t asking questions, it must mean that they’re simply absorbing the knowledge you’ve imparted. It’s a lot to take in so the best thing to do is press forward and get through it all. Plus, you’re incented to sell the entire package and it certainly won’t help you get to President’s Club if they just bite off a tiny piece of the suite.

#2) Bait and Switch

Bingo. You made it to the next presentation and it’s time to bring in the big guns. Put key executives and thought leaders on planes and parachute them into the client site for the ultimate show of force. “What was that? Are these the same people that will be accountable for your account post sale? Of course!” But of course they aren’t, and come pen to paper, this deal will get tossed over the wall to the implementation and account management teams that had no participation in the sales process. And when they begin to ask all the same questions that the client answered three months prior, your ears will be ringing when your name comes up in conversation.

#1) Talk Down to HR

You do this everyday and these poor HR saps have no idea what you’re talking about. The best thing to do is slow down and use big words at a 20,000 foot level to attain some level of comprehension. It’s complex and these aren’t the sharpest tools in the C-level shed so a few verbal pats on the head will likely go unnoticed. Details? Project plans? Don’t worry little HR friend, you’ve got all of that cared for so HR can focus on Sally’s fundraiser or the next company picnic. Even better, you’ll write the entire business case and would be happy to meet with the CFO one-on-one to help seal the deal. You care that much.

Believe me when I say that these are not contrived examples meant to drive home a point. This is often the real world of today’s sales environment and I have witnessed much worse than what these five suggest. It certainly doesn’t have to be this way and these are so painfully easy to fix.

But what about you? What are some of the worst HR sales calls you’ve experienced? Share your comments below and let’s keep the conversation going.