1. Take No Personal Accountability:

Something going wrong at work? Have an issue that can’t seem to get resolved? Here’s the solution – break the mirror of self-reflection and hold a jagged shard to the throat of HR until they fix it for you. Whatever you do, don’t try to take corrective action yourself or realize that your actions may have contributed to the problem. That would be crazy.

2. Forget How To Read:

It’s funny how your ability to read seems to fade in and out at the office. Just receive your comp plan? Suddenly you know how to read. Instructions on a new travel policy? Oops, synapses stop firing and the words just don’t make sense anymore. Reading may be fundamental, but why take the joy away from the HR rep who can do the reading for you.

3. Leave Quality Control to Others:

We all like to have a good time at work, but wouldn’t it be fun if you entered your personal or dependent information incorrectly on the corporate intranet? Even better, what if you filled out the forms with conflicting information! But here’s the best tip – if you’re getting married or having a baby, keep that information a secret until you need something. HR loves surprises.

4. Threaten To Quit…Repeatedly:

Every negotiator laughs and laughs when someone threatens to jump…. and then does it again…. and then does it again. Repetition for the sake of personal gain is frickin’ hilarious! And don’t concern yourself with little things like pay parity, your industry reputation or appearing to cry wolf. Those are just HR terms designed to confuse you.

5. Act Entitled:

This garbage about “hard work pays off” is absurd, right? Try this instead – just show up. That’s right, focus on attendance like you’re a fifth grader earning a ribbon. But don’t do this presenteeism bit too much or people might think you care. I say do the minimum and expect the maximum reward. Oh, and one other thing, ask your parents to call every once in a while to remind HR what a good person you are. Those are precious moments.

If you follow these five tips, I’m certain you’ll be on your way to endearing yourself permanently in the hearts and minds of your HR department.

So HR pros, how have employees helped to put you into a blind rage? Share your tales of woe and let’s keep the conversation going.